Debbie Rivers is a Relationship Expert who has been working with singles and couples for over a decade. She is consumed with empowering people to be successful in love.
Are your mates telling you that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new?
No-one wants to fail when it comes to love. The feeling of rejection and failure is devastating – in fact, many people prefer to push the pain aside and see if you can get back out there to date someone who will make you feel better about yourself.
The problem is, it often doesn’t work because you haven’t dealt with what has happened before this.
When you get out there too soon it is the same as putting a band-aid over a wound that you haven’t tried to clean. All this does is cause a more serious infection below the surface, and it can take longer to heal and leave a larger scar. This is the time to rip the bandaid off!
What you don’t repair, you end up repeating.
Before jumping into your next relationship, it’s important to learn how you can change and grow (even if you think your problems were all from your former other half). If you don’t address these things, it can present in the form of coming across too needy with the next person, being insecure, or creating jealousy.
Not taking the time to heal and work out what went wrong is one of the biggest reasons that 60% of 2nd marriages fail.
A study from the University of Toronto found that people pick the same type of person over and over again, no matter how bad the experience was. Crazy, right?
But there is good news – you don’t have to be stuck in your own personal Relationship Groundhog Day!
Just like Bill Murray, you can learn what it takes to get it right with the type of person you are always attracted to. Or you can change who you chose to be with! Start by working out why you want someone who doesn’t work for you, and step by step, you change your actions and decisions.
If nothing changes, nothing changes
No-one teaches this stuff in school. So, you aren’t alone in not knowing how to get it right. We follow what we learned from our parents, movies, and mates! All giving us unrealistic, distorted views of what love is.
Getting it right the second time around
Here are my pointers to help you learn from the past and make the next relationship a raging success:
- Grieve. Take all the time you need to heal. There’s no time limit on how long to be single for.
- Be aware of what you are choosing and take the time to look at your patterns. You can have mind blowing chemistry with someone who makes you unhappy. Stop relying solely on chemistry to choose, it is important but so is compatibility and someone who wants the same type of commitment as you.
Get beyond the superficial and see if the person values the same things and is someone you can create a healthy, happy relationship with. Too often the choice is based on chemistry, not on kindness and emotional intelligence which are so much more important in the long term. Kindness and EI can actually build chemistry!
- Work out what went wrong. Be brave and be objective about the role you played. Learn the lessons from the past, so you don’t repeat them.
- Learn how to communicate effectively. How you learn, interpret messages and feel love could be very different to how your partner does, and communication is really about how it is received. Ask for what you want and need in a way that the other person can hear you and be sure you’re listening to your partner in return.
- Have healthy boundaries and self-worth – this will help you make smarter decisions for your future.
You may feel this is slightly harder than swiping right, but the end result is powerful. It will empower you to have the life and the love you have always imagined. You don’t have to do it alone either. A good coach or professional can give you the insight, encouragement and support necessary to enable you to make changes.