A man and a woman sit next to each other on a wooden bench. The man is holding his phone and looking irritated. The women is holding his arm and is trying to attract his attention

Help! I’m no longer attracted to my partner

Pauline Ryeland is an Intimacy, Sex & Relationship Coach working with couples and individuals. 

There can be many reasons why losing interest in a partner can happen. If you would like to reignite the attraction to your spouse, it’s important to look at all aspects of why this has occurred as this will influence what solution to consider. 

Sometimes when you’ve been together a very long time, you become complacent with each other. There can be a massive amount of judgement, expectation and demand put on the other partner and when things don’t go the way you’d like, then the niggling and arguments can start to occur.  

It is possible to keep the attraction in a long-term relationship. But before you delve into the ways you can bring the spark back, try asking yourself these questions, allowing yourself the time to reflect and be honest: 

  • What do you think has contributed to these feelings? 
  • How long has it been going on for? 
  • How’s your communication?

Losing an emotional connection with your partner

Often, we hang on to things and have trouble letting go and forgiving. When did you last sit down with your partner and have a heart to heart conversation?

My guess would be that this hasn’t happened in a long time, especially if you haven’t really known the root cause. When you’re not present with yourself, then you can’t become present with your partner.  

While you may be hesitant to discuss it, there are extremely effective ways to communicate that allows the other person to actually hear. 

The best way to communicate, especially if it relates to the relationship, is sitting opposite each other, over a meal.  That way you are both present and can hear each other.  

It’s always good to remember to say how you feel when a situation occurs and not point the finger and go into blame mode.  As soon as you do that, the barriers come up and nothing will get through.

Losing a physical attraction to your partner

Maybe you’ve lost interest due to your partner gaining (or losing) weight? Very few people as they age will retain the same body they had when you first got together.  It’s part of growing older and is a natural part of the ageing process.  

This is a good time to think back to why you fell in love with your partner in the first place, as it’s easy to lose sight of that if you have lost interest or attraction.  Focus on the positive things – make a list of all the things you do love about the individual you share a bed with, and remember all the ways they contribute to your life.

In saying this, physical attraction is certainly important, but perhaps you can explore your own health and vitality first. 

  • How is your body holding up with ageing? Is it still in the same condition?
  • What are you both eating?
  • Are you both active and doing some exercise?
  • Are you encouraging healthy habits around the home?

Perhaps this is a great time to start some sort of fitness routine together by getting out walking, bike riding, or swimming. Not only does it help reduce love handles, but the endorphins can naturally spur on some of that spark you’ve lost! 

Really, the best way is to have open, honest dialogue which can be done with kindness and compassion. It all comes down to choice – how will your life be with her or without your partner? Is there anything you can do to recreate the attraction?

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