Alison Verge is an Author, and Dating and Relationship Coach with Path2love Coaching. She helps professionals become informed, efficient, skilled and enthusiastic daters in order to attract the right partner for a lasting relationship.
When asked to describe their dating life in one word or less, the results from so many I survey are almost always negative i.e., horrifying, non-existent, frustrating, wanting to give up and remain single – which is great if it is the real desire and not a protective mechanism driven by fear of rejection. That’s a whole other ballgame.
What people don’t understand is how greatly our attitude influences the outcome. Negativity breeds negativity. If you have scarcity thinking or the belief you are not good enough – that will be the truth.
I witnessed it personally four years ago in the dating scene after a very frustrating few years. It was not until I took a step back and with the help of a coach realized my thinking was holding me back. Within a few weeks after I started viewing dating as more of an adventure, opportunities to meet people/friends – and everything changed and I met my partner of 3.5 years.
Remember the positives of being single – perception is everything!
Our minds are our biggest roadblocks.
Holding onto the past and other issues can cause a hit to our confidence and attitude, resulting in fear-driven poor decisions and possibly paralysis of analysis…overthinking everything instead of letting the process unfold casually as it should.
Rejection is a part of this.
So, let’s turn the thinking around and consider the positives of being single. Once in a committed relationship, possibly with children, how often will I get:
- the opportunity to do any of the things on my bucket list?
- time all to myself?
- (Dependent on situation) be able to pick up and go somewhere spontaneously?
- to go out often with friends?
- to go out to so many new places, to experience new things and meet new people?
- to explore intimacy with multiple partners if desired?
Bottom line – the grass is not always greener on the other side. Each side dreams about the alternative at times. There will be plenty of time to share beautiful experiences with someone else, but it’s not often you get to focus more on you!
Become “the Right One”
So how do I start seeing this as an opportunity? The solution is quite simple. Get your head in the game and take action!
Grab a pen and paper (so no electronic distractions) and write down your answers to the following:
- What do I want to change to be happy in my next relationship?
- What ‘baggage’ am I carrying that will hold me back from having the relationship I truly want?
- What went wrong in my past relationships and why? What are my key learnings? (This will point you in the right direction for the step below)
- What should I look at improving/developing about myself before I am ready to get serious? E.g., financial situation, drug and alcohol abuse, communication skills, health and fitness, emotional state?
Being single and happy
Let’s not forget the fun side of the equation and dream a little:
- What’s on your bucket list – make a list of at least 15 things
- List at least 3 things you have always wanted to do but have not done due to finances, time constraints or the fact you were in a relationship?
- Scale of 0-10, how does being single now feel like an opportunity to you? If not a 10, how can you close the gap? Is there something you can let go of?
- Pick 1 of the things from above that you will act on today! Course? Exercise? Trip?
Best of luck discovering you!