Cam Fraser is a Certified Professional Sex Coach, Certified Sexologist, Registered Counselor, and Registered Tantric Yoga Teacher. As a coach, he helps men go beyond surface-level sex and into full-bodied, self-expressed, pleasure-oriented sexual experiences free of anxiety or shame.
Everyone has their own stories and harbours their own myths about masculinity, men and sex. These stereotypes can hinder our relationships and stifle our sex lives. Here are five myths about male sexuality that need to be debunked so that any feelings of shame, embarrassment, and rejection can shift into expression, acceptance, and true intimacy.
Myth: Men do the desiring
Contrary to mainstream media portrayals, men aren’t sex-crazed animals with no self-consciousness surrounding sex. Men can feel insecure about their weight, or parts of their body, and can really be affected by this when being sexual.
Men do actually want to feel desirable and attractive. So, as much as they may not want to admit it, men like to hear compliments about their body or what they’re doing well sexually.
Myth: Men don’t need intimacy
Men typically don’t have a lot of outlets for intimacy in their lives and society generally tells them that they shouldn’t want or need it. So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify men; not because it’s smothering, but because they realize how desperate they are for it.
Because men do actually want intimacy, they may seek it out through the only avenue that is socially acceptable for them: sex. But men aren’t always just thinking their dicks, they want affection, they want to be touched. Men just don’t tell you to move your hands elsewhere because they’re afraid that if they do, you will shut down and not touch them at all.
Myth: Sex is just physical for men
Heavy breathing, groaning, and moaning are all sounds that turn men on. Talking and asking for what you want during sex is also a huge turn on. Men want you to embrace sex. But they don’t want you to fake it. If the sex isn’t good for you, they want to know.
Men also have sexual fantasies. They want to share their fantasies with you, but they worry that you might shame or judge them. Men also want you to share your own sexual fantasies with them.
Myth: Erections are necessary for sex
Men can be aroused and not have an erection, just like they can have an erection but not be particularly aroused. If a man isn’t hard or able to get it up, it doesn’t mean you don’t turn him on. He may be tired, stressed, worried about your pleasure, or simply having a normal fluctuation in erection firmness.
It isn’t the end of the world if he doesn’t have an erection as there are plenty of ways to be sexual that don’t involve a penis at all. This can be a perfect opportunity to explore touch or other pleasurable sensations together.
Myth: Men need to ejaculate
While some men can be overly focussed on reaching the end goal of ejaculation, it is important to understand that orgasm and ejaculation are two separate physiological processes. This means that men can experience lots of pleasure even if they don’t ejaculate.
There are plenty of reasons a man might not “finish” and just because he doesn’t, that does not necessarily mean he isn’t enjoying himself. It’s also not your job to make a man “finish.”
The sooner we start to change these societal and cultural narratives around men’s sexuality and how men are supposed to express themselves sexually, the sooner we can allow men an alternative way of experiencing and expressing their sexuality, and the sooner we’ll start to see healthier men, healthier relationships, and a healthier society.